I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
