Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
cat food counts as protein by the way
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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