I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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