I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
