I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i drank out of a bidet.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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