I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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