I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
