I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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