I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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