Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
