I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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