so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
