I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
