White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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