wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
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I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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Well I just put wine in my tea
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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