I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
