Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
