I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
