Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
