You made me cry and you don't even care
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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