the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So apparently I’m into choking now
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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