Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
