Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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