I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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