Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are the jesus of drinking
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
