when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
