Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
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Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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