I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
