So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
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You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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