Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
