I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
