I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
