ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
