Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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