Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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