theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Randomize
