I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
