her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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