my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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