Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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