he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
