Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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