I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
