so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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