just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
