God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
