awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Randomize
