Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
