This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
