Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
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You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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