The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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