i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
