ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
