I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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